This Kills Me

This Kills Me

I can't see you, or hear you, or feel your presence anymore; but I know you're there. I can feel it in my bones. You're right there, standing in front of me. Aren't you, Rukia?

This couldn't be helped, not one bit. I had to learn the final Tensuga, if I hadn't then Azien would have won, he would have destroyed my home. He would have killed everything I know, obliterate everyone I love, and eventually, you would have been hurt to Rukia.

You're probably mad at me right now. You probably don't understand why I did it. I was the only one who could, without me, everything would be gone by now. Even you. I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I could have stopped it.

Rukia, I'm sorry but this was my only decision.

"Sorry." I whispered, barely making any sound at all.

Even if I could communicate with her, she wouldn't have heard it anyway. Thinking back on my action just now, I don't think I used my voice, I think it was just my mouth that wanted to let her know.

Slowly, I can feel you slipping away from me. Your presence in my life is leaving. I can barely feel you anymore, a little less then a gossamers touch. I can't feel you all the time, mostly just pulses of your presence.

I miss the feeling of you. Rukia, I miss it so much. I want it back, I would do anything to get that back. The constant reminder that you saved my life, the ribbon that connected our souls.

It's been torn. The ribbon is no more. It was severed the moment I lost my power, when my hair turned orange again. I couldn't feel you after that. When you arrived in Karakura I felt you, because you were close. When I was unconscious for all that time, I felt you most times, because you were close. When you started to fade, I could feel you because you were close. But now you're close, and I can't feel you.

The ribbon is gone and I can't feel you. I wish I could, I want to. More than anyone else, I want to feel you Rukia. Just that you're ok and that you're no hurt. That's all I want. Now I have to talk to Uryu, or Chad, or Orihime to know if you're still ok.

I hate that. I want to be able to tell on my own.

"Damn it." I mumbled.

She heard me that time. If she didn't it's her own fault. I know I used my voice just now, I can still feel it vibrating in my throat. She better have heard it. Even though I can't hear her, I want her to hear everything I say, because I can't hear her.

I want to see you. I want to see your face myself. I don't want someone to tell me that you're smiling or that you want to hit me. I want to see it myself, with my own two eyes. But I can't and it's killing me.

I want to see your stupid, purple, doe eyes. Those big old saucers that are to big for your little face. I want to see them sparkle, like when I teach you something knew that you didn't know about. To see them glisten in the after noon sunlight, like when we'd walk home from school or Urahara's

I want to see your tiny wrists and ankles. I want to think about how frail they are, while looking at them. I wish I could debate whether or not you'll fall over because you're ankles would give out. Or if you'd drop something because you're wrists are too weak.

I want to do it while looking at you.

I wish I could hear your voice. That slightly sickening, honey laced voice you use with my sisters and at school. The one when you talk to me, like it doesn't matter what I think. The screams that spout from your lips when we fight. But most of all, I want to hear your whisper.

When you whisper, I feel so close to you. I feel like you finally are yourself. That this is the Rukia on the inside, the woman that is underneath it all. Like we're connected intimately. I know that we are, but when you whisper…I feel it.

What I want the most is to be able to feel your touch. It doesn't have to be your presence; just your touch would be fine. As long as I can feel your skin against mine then I'm happy.

I want to be able to feel it when you hit my, when you accidentally brush against me, when you purposely touch me. I wish I could get that back more than anything.

"Goddamn it!" I cursed this time loudly.

If she didn't hear that, then she's completely deaf. I practically screamed the word. She's probably frowning at me right now. Or glaring at me for making a scene. To be honest she can glare at me all she wants, it won't change the fact I can't see her.

By her sheer will power, it will do nothing.

"I'm going for a walk." I grumbled in a dark voice, pulling my sweatshirt on and opening the door.

Yuzu popped in the room just as I stepped out. "Be careful Ichi-nii."

It's killing me.

It's killing me, that you're not here anymore.